'Growing up' - the purpose

Many of us have heard from others (parents/family) how we used to be when we were small.

But, not for me. Probably no one bothered, neither to notice or tell. Or perhaps people were too busy with other things. By the time I realized this, I did not know what to ask. 

But, I want my life, however minuscule it may be, to be remembered... if not by others, at least by me alone. For, I love this life. For all this pain, I love it. And I want to know it well.

This is why I have decided to start the string 'Growing up'. In this, I'll jot down all my disclose-able and learn-able memories... memories re-told, by me. I do fear that sometimes it could become a bit too personal, but I'll try to do the best justice to the 'disclose-able and learn-able' criterion. If it benefits someone, even if for the simple pleasure of knowing it, I would be glad.

So, come, lets grow together!

Living the life…

(This piece was written in Feb 2011. I consider it a part of my 'growing-up' phase. I am posting it raw, without up-to-date editing. Will write more on 'growing- up' later.)

“It is not in the doing, but in the being… that we should be working on…” our pastor spoke during the Sunday sermon this week.

Before marriage, while I used to be a hostelite, for 17 long years, such a statement, together with many others, remained part of  mere Christian teaching to me…learning that helped in living a real Christian life. At that time my thinking was that I was a fairly good Christian… I was attending church regularly, not only that, I was a very active member in church too… I was the Sunday school teacher, choir singer, I used to attend weekly prayer meetings as well, I used to read my Bible very regularly, had great quiet times, had a good circle of Christian friends, I could sing and worship the Lord, and hey, I had the gift of tongues… I did not realize that was all so as long as I had my own space to recoil…my bed, my table and chair, my bathroom, my wardrobe, my mobile phone and yes, of course, my money and my time! And I thought, yeah, I am doing great.

Then, I got married, became pregnant within a year of marriage, delivered a baby girl and thus had to bid adieu to my hostel life to settle into family life… ah! the bliss of having your husband, your kid and caring parents to surround you! The family experience was all well for me until the real essence of the family life slowly started to sink in. For a person who had spent a great part of her life in hostels, it has been a learning experience since then. Day-by-day I have come to realize that family is more and more about giving-and-taking than a just-take strategy that I was adopting in the hostel. I slowly started finding it difficult to give my time, my energy for someone else. Every time I would do something half-heartedly, I would ask… ‘Why should I? How much more? Oh why?’… which is when I realized that this was time when I should live and really find whether I am a real Christian or not. In my previous situation, anyone could. That’s when frictions arose. Earlier, it was very easy for me to share my revelations that I received during my quiet time during the Sunday testimony time. Now, sharing was difficult because my family members…my husband and parents, were witnesses of the real ME everyday…they saw my reactions, my actions,my attitude everyday… I am not writing this piece as someone who has overcome the feelings just mentioned. I still struggle with them. I feel it will take some time, I do feel sorry for my nastiness each time, but I thank God for this time in my life that He is using to show them within me, which I never knew existed. Yes, he discerns my inner faults (Ps 19:12 Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults)…but I know that here too, I am living God’s purpose and I will be cleansed of these faults one day. Lord help me yield to your teaching each time. I love you. Thank you for loving me.

Marriage is a purifying process. Each day of it reaffirms the same to me.

Unfinished

I must be a Nothing before love

a Nothing, for love

To love, I was broken

and yet again, broken

For, if love was just a feeling for me,

No mortal would ever have satisfied me.

And my search for safer spaces would never have ended.

Love and life are so entwined

that, I still remain breakable,
until I no longer can be.

The work is far from finished.

A letter to my father

Somehow, this prayer I read elsewhere, seems very close to my heart...

A LETTER TO MY FATHER

Dear Father,

It’s being a while since I spent time alone with You, deep in my heart I keep feeling this emptiness, a silent form of loneliness with nothing new happening. I suddenly realised how edgy, cranky and short tempered I had become, blinding my vision and causing a staleness in my life. Father I need You.

I remember when You taught me, to pray always, and You further stated that I should talk to You always without getting tired… but indeed Father, I got tired. I also remember when You said it wasn’t in the repetition of words, but in the perseverance of my desire for the changes I expect. I now realise that no matter how long it takes, no matter how long my heart aches for that change, if I hold on to what you said and my speech agrees with my believe, that which I seek will be done.

I remember when You told me, to use Your name always, and that the miracles I read about will happen in my life if I just believe. It sounded simple yet funny, but now I understand better; that it’s not just in the talking, but also in the believing for a change. It’s not just in calling Your name, but knowing that it’s the key to unseen doors.

I have also learnt that; Power is not in the eloquence of my speech, but in the knowledge of the Word. Power is not just in continuous prayer, but knowing the power of the Spirit in it.

Father, I know deep in me I must do the things that please you. I embarrassingly know that you have deep and sincere intentions for me which I must search out, understand it, and when I walk in it, I would prosper in success. My Father, more than ever, I need You. I need to know the things you would have me do. A lot are changing around me, and I need New changes in my life, New things, New beginnings, a New birth. My Father, I need You.

In Jesus Christ name, I remain

Yours Faithfully

Your Child

Source: RCCGNCA Morning Pill (Daily devotional). Thank you, Tosin.

Led by the Spirit...

Acts of the sinful nature not just include things like sexual immorality and drunkenness, but also things we (or many of us, including me) consider a very normal human response.This include: hatred, discord, dissension, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, faction, envy and debauchary. 


Debauchery: excessive indulgence of sensual pleasures (the sense to see, touch, smell, taste  and feel)
This includes excessive eating/craving for food/fashion/clothes/perfumes etc.. We have a general tendency to limit sensual pleasure to sight and touch, but as we see, this is not the case.

I confess and realize, I DO have these in me:

I harbor bitter hard-core HATRED 

I stir up DISCORD quite often

My thoughts and responses often lead to DISSENSIONS 

I do get JEALOUS

I do indulge in DEBAUCHERY

I almost always have FITS OF RANGE, yes, I am very easily provoked

I harbor SELFISH AMBITION very frequently

I have a tendency to join FACTIONs

I am utterly impure and seek cleansing. Galatians 5 says: "Live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. They (sinful nature and the Spirit) are in conflict with each other so that you do not do what you want." 

God knows that even when you and me WANT to do good, we cannot, unless we submit to Him and ask the Spirit to lead us. 

May I pray humbly before you, O Father. I need your help. I submit to you. Help me live by your Spirit!

 Lord I have seen many wise and learned men fail utterly in life, around me. So, I realize that it is not wisdom or knowledge that makes one stand. But, it is only by (foolishly, even if soemone may call it so) submitting to you and by learning that I am nothing before you, O Perfect One!

Senses

Senses

Its amazing how the human sense organs work - the sense to taste, hear, smell, see and feel? All  work together in perfect harmony to form what is called our perception of the outside world. Thus, these tangible faculties facilitate our formation of the worldview. Interestingly, these senses are subject to the control of the individual who owns them. Therefore, ultimately, it is the mind who has to decide what one should taste/hear/smell/see or even feel, but not the senses.

Thus, biologically, WILL is placed about WANT. So, these questions arise:

1. Is it possible to train the mind to decide first?
2. If so, how will it know what to decide? In other words, what is above mind?

We live in a world where senses are fed and nourished. The mind takes it's backseat. As long as he/she can (which is literally "as looong as the senses exist") "life" goes on. When all these fails, the individual in the end loses the master (controller), not knowing which direction to take, not even knowing that one could have had control over one's life.

Fearfully and Wonderfully made...

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; that I know very well"(Psalm 139:14)

It is not only joy, but a matter of wonder to watch my child grow. Today when I see her utter intelligible words like "Dadda illa", "Mamma illa" at 18 months of age, I realize how fast and how much things have changed with her since the first day she entered this world... she could barely fix her gaze on anything! Not even me! But, today, how does she REASON that when I kiss her on one hand, she can get another one on offering the other... how does she reason that breaking rules is being naughty... phew... all this proves to me without doubt that man is "fearfully and wonderfully made"... I would be blind, unreasoning, thoughtless and ungrateful if I say that all this happened by mere chance.

Thank you God.