(This piece was written in Feb 2011. I consider it a part of my 'growing-up' phase. I am posting it raw, without up-to-date editing. Will write more on 'growing- up' later.)
“It is not in the doing, but in the being… that we should be working on…” our pastor spoke during the Sunday sermon this week.
Before marriage, while I used to be a hostelite, for 17 long years, such a statement, together with many others, remained part of mere Christian teaching to me…learning that helped in living a real Christian life. At that time my thinking was that I was a fairly good Christian… I was attending church regularly, not only that, I was a very active member in church too… I was the Sunday school teacher, choir singer, I used to attend weekly prayer meetings as well, I used to read my Bible very regularly, had great quiet times, had a good circle of Christian friends, I could sing and worship the Lord, and hey, I had the gift of tongues… I did not realize that was all so as long as I had my own space to recoil…my bed, my table and chair, my bathroom, my wardrobe, my mobile phone and yes, of course, my money and my time! And I thought, yeah, I am doing great.
Then, I got married, became pregnant within a year of marriage, delivered a baby girl and thus had to bid adieu to my hostel life to settle into family life… ah! the bliss of having your husband, your kid and caring parents to surround you! The family experience was all well for me until the real essence of the family life slowly started to sink in. For a person who had spent a great part of her life in hostels, it has been a learning experience since then. Day-by-day I have come to realize that family is more and more about giving-and-taking than a just-take strategy that I was adopting in the hostel. I slowly started finding it difficult to give my time, my energy for someone else. Every time I would do something half-heartedly, I would ask… ‘Why should I? How much more? Oh why?’… which is when I realized that this was time when I should live and really find whether I am a real Christian or not. In my previous situation, anyone could. That’s when frictions arose. Earlier, it was very easy for me to share my revelations that I received during my quiet time during the Sunday testimony time. Now, sharing was difficult because my family members…my husband and parents, were witnesses of the real ME everyday…they saw my reactions, my actions,my attitude everyday… I am not writing this piece as someone who has overcome the feelings just mentioned. I still struggle with them. I feel it will take some time, I do feel sorry for my nastiness each time, but I thank God for this time in my life that He is using to show them within me, which I never knew existed. Yes, he discerns my inner faults (Ps 19:12 Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults)…but I know that here too, I am living God’s purpose and I will be cleansed of these faults one day. Lord help me yield to your teaching each time. I love you. Thank you for loving me.
Marriage is a purifying process. Each day of it reaffirms the same to me.
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